Ass-trology Horoscopes

March 1, 2022


The Sun enters Aries on March 20th, and Spring has SPRUNG.


Aries (March 21-April 19)

How do you wish someone ‘Happy Birthday’ in the most aggressive and amplified way? I’m not sure, but if we knew, that’s how we would say happy birthday to you! The sun enters your sign this week. The heavy weight of the end of the zodiac year is now behind you and a FRESH start begins now. Spring is in the air, open your bathroom window, go out and conquer the day!


Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Naturally stable and keen to every detail, you always ensure your toilet paper is fully stocked. But, this week has things shaking up. You’re feeling more playful than usual and free from composure. Take the new energy and put it toward being assertive over what you want.


Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Spring is here and you’re SO ready to do anything outside, like even embracing a porta potty. Your week will be filled with many compulsive and restless desires. You may immediately get your fill and be happy to return back to your resting zone, but indulge while you want to.


Cancer (June 22-July 22)

You’re really breaking out of your shell this week, Cancer! You will find yourself given the extra bout of confidence you need to really step forward and collect. You will be seen and appreciated this week thanks to your vocal conviction, like singing in the shower at the top of your lungs. Surround yourself with challenges this week and you will be sure to prevail!


Leo (July 23-August 22)

Slow down! Or don’t? You’re feeling extra aggressive and active this week. Careful not to pick fights and channel all of your energy into physical workouts if possible. Deep cleaning the toilet counts, like using this hidden toilet brush from Squatty Potty.


Virgo (August 23-September 22)

You’re caught between feeling extra insecure and extra energetic. In your head, you’re constantly debating over whether to take that leap or not. If you take the leap, we advise not doing it on a slippery bathroom floor. Your judgment says “Practice makes perfect” but your heart right now is saying “Just go for it!” Strike a balance between the two or things will not go well.


Libra (September 23-October 23)

You’re contradicting yourself a lot this week. You’re naturally calm like soothing lavender bath salts, but you’re being pummeled by waves of fiery passion! Surround yourself with those who appreciate you for who you truly are. Making new relationships this week will end shortly. Go out and enjoy this fresh energy while it is here, but be realistic in where you see yourself a month from now.


Scorpio (October 24-November 21)

Blunt much? The sun movement will amplify your direct style of communication. You’re getting tunnel vision and have full steam ahead like a train, or an abnormally hot shower. It’s okay to slow down from time to time. Resting will not derail the good opportunities coming your way. They are a fruit of your capable and dedicated nature.


Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

You’re on fire this week! Spring brings new life back to your energy and passions. Excitement is a necessity right now. Do not let anyone stop you or hold you back during this time. Surround yourself with adventurous and ambitious people. Your jokes are on fire right now, so try entertaining friends with a party. Don’t forget to decorate the bathroom too, with these fancy tips from Pinterest. You’ll surely be the talk of the town.


Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, Cap. Don’t catch yourself feeling regret this week. You will be feeling vivacious and ambitious this week. Now is the time to really shine brighter than a freshly polished bathroom mirror in your career. Calculate the risks, break through the diversity, and come out on top this week.


Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

A rush of new energy will crash into you. This week you’ll be faced with some difficulties, like maybe an unfortunate clogged toilet moment. Try to remain even-tempered and honest with yourself. Concentrate all your energy to your task at hand and you’ll be sure to prevail.


Pisces (February 19-March 20)

You’re feeling the strong will of the ram this week. Now is the time to balance your strong will and natural serenity, like hanging eucalyptus in the shower. Don’t underestimate your power this week, turn those dreams into reality!